One of the problems I have always seemed to have is that I am seemingly incapable of making decisions. From serious things like what to study at College (for the record, I have switched to FIVE different courses over the past few years since leaving school) to little things such as what to buy from the supermarket! My boyfriend hates going food shopping with me because I am a serious pain at choosing what to buy - I can happily spend half of the night wondering around the aisles going back and forth pondering between different meal options and attempting to not buy too many goodies for the old sweet tooth! I think my shortest record time I have spent food shopping is about ten minutes and I was in a rush for a bus - I hate rushing. Sometimes I wonder if I was once a snail, that pace would certainly suit my disorganised, procrastinating ways...
It's only as of late I have started to realise how much I may struggle with 'real life'. I'm scared of pretty much everything: I have a needle phobia (since a small child, I even refused the TB and last Booster jab that was forced upon me at School) and just this alone worries me as I know there may be times in the future that I may need to have an injection and it literally makes me breathless at the thought. I have no children, I am only twenty so of course there isn't any rush, but I do want children someday and as my mum has reminded me that needles may be involved in the horrific time of childbirth... Urgh - how will I cope?! Such pain and so scary... I believe all mother's deserve a medal!
Although a beautiful baby is more than enough of a result to make the pain worth it - I suppose.
Making decisions has always been something I have struggled to do. I often ask other's what "they would do" and practically plead my boyfriend to tell me what to do about certain things and even to the point of telling me what to say on an important phone-call. Tragic really. I must become more self-assured. Life is full of possibilities and there may be obstacles in the way sometimes so I must learn to deal with the bad as well as the good. Easier said than done right?!
I'm starting back at College in September, only two months of Summer/freedom left, and I am back to being a Student again(!) - I'm so excited, but nervous, and confused too. The course I am going on is a course I did last year (and due to my bad time-keeping I got behind on coursework and ended up leaving the course) and I am on a "second chance" basically. A 6 week trial to see if my time keeping skills have improved - uh oh! I will make it there on time and I have to dedicate myself to concentrating (something else I struggle with).
I am really serious about it this time though - I have had 18 months out of education, working part-time so I have had more of an insight into the 'real World' and I feel more determined.
I am going to study English literature, History and Psychology for one year then I can apply to University to start next year, although I am not sure what to do. I studied Music and Acting previously ( I'm a singer) and have been in-between courses as I have a love for both performing and writing. I am also interested in going into Teaching too although a lot of my family members are Teachers...
If I do go to University I think I may apply for an English Literature combined with Musical Theatre degree - best of both! Hmmm. What to do!?! There is also the worry of getting into so much debt and whether the degree will be worth it as I know of people with degrees who are working in Supermarkets and even unemployed...
I wish my brain would work properly and stop being so confused.
